But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
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[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE