[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
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Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky