Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
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Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
I can fix him.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing