Happy Halloween 馃巸
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A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
It鈥檚 adorable how breakfast assumes we鈥檙e all able to fast.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
馃
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Purgatory but it鈥檚 just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
I鈥檓 really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I鈥檝e never interacted with or thought about before.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Edward norton: what鈥檚 your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Best seat on the street 馃槏
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
ME: *exists*
KID: that鈥檚 not how mommy does it
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
You鈥檙e telling me a beagle isn鈥檛 half bear half eagle?
You鈥檙e telling me this man will loan me a shark?