Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
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The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
No. He’s not coming out to play