Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
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Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.