[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
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Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
I came this close!!!!
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.