ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
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The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..