If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
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Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed