me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
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The old gods are rising again.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.