why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
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Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties