DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
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Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
the world’s most popular steaming services
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.