I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
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Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.