I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
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Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.