Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
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Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
I hope Alan is OK
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
#SCOTUS one-star review