Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
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I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7