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[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing