[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
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me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Woke up with morning Yule Log
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Peace was never an option
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.