I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
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why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids