If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
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Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
sir, my pâté if you please
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.