[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
You Might Also Like
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Xylophonist Shredding It
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
me linking you to my twitter
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.