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the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Banana is the quietest snack
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what