“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
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When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.