Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
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License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.