I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
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Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.