Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
You Might Also Like
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside