This makes total sense…
You Might Also Like
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
i hope my email finds you on fire
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift