Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
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God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all