Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
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I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Art by Pastelkatto
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN