I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
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Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.