Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
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When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”