I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
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“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
just witnessed a drug deal
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple