The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
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Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.