KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
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I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
I’m sorry…what?
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.