Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
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awkward
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.