People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
You Might Also Like
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”