Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
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Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
I’m doing the lords work (judging)