People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
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Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
OMG 🤣🤣
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…