When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
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for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
A couple who are silly together stay together.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now