Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
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An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Poetry is my passion
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
lmao
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]