I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
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As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline