A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
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I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.