Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
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Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Hot Hot Hot
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi