Cow it started Cow it’s going
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Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
subtitles are so good nowadays
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do