The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
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“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.