Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
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[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Fluff me with a fork baby
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
I don’t make the rules sorry
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school