I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
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cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
What the hell is going on?
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
The first matador
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Saw your ex at the shops
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably