Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
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McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.