Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
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I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.