if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
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When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what